Bradley Newman, a resident of the 900 block of S. Cherry, and a known drunk according to his neighbors, was arrested by police early this morning in the Fine Foods convenience store on Idlewood.

Although not all the details are clear, he was evidently caught after breaking into the store after closing and spending several hours digging a hole in the middle of its floor. One of the store managers happened to come in early for a delivery, found the elderly man, and immediately called the police who then promptly took him into custody. Newman had been drinking beer stolen from the refrigerated display cases while digging.

Mr. Newman’s slurred comments after his capture were mysterious. They were something to the effect that he was sure he had ‘found it under the chips aisle’. Jailhouse sources say he has not spoken since sobering up.

Fine Foods personel have already refilled and repaired the hole and plan to open as normal.

Editor’s Note: This, and other stories today are satire- NOT factual news but fake, humorous stories for April Fool’s Day- and should be read with that understanding!

Some followup conversations with longterm neighbors on Cherry Street added some context- that Newman was in fact obsessed with finding lost Confederate treasure. In particular, he wanted to find Mexican coinage that some believe was buried in Danville.

“He always said that his grand-grand pappy as a small boy had seen a wagon break down in the middle of the night near Hollywood right at the very end of the Civil War and the men who were traveling in the wagon had buried a bunch of barrels under a small shed,” said one woman, who declined to be identified.

Again, Editor’s Note: This, and other stories today are satire- NOT factual news but fake, humorous stories for April Fool’s Day- and should be read with that understanding!